Without Advice on Christmas

I've been advice-less for the past month, and I'm sorry. I'm not neglecting you, I just have no topics to help with.

Feel free to send in some questions.

thesearetheyears@gmail.com

Merry Christmas and happy holidays to everyone.

~J*~

Guilt Trips - How to Be Guilt Free

My mom was guilted into going to church yesterday. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad she went - even though I had to go with her - because what the pastor talked about really helped her through the current situation she's in. But the thing that bothered me most was the fact that she was guilted into going - by her best friend, no less.

You see, my mom is tired of always saying no to her friend when she asks us if we want to go to church. This time, she kind of made my mom feel bad, unintentionally guilting my mom into going.

Even though it can be unintentional, the fact remains that guilt trips are flat-out wrong. You cannot change someone, so you cannot change the fact that they may attempt to put you on a guilt trip. But you can control your reaction.

"But how?"

It's easier said than done, I know, but, put simply, you can't let it get to you. You can't let them make you feel bad because you don't want to do something. That's just not fair. They can't make you do something you don't want to do, and making you feel bad about it is a sign of selfishness. They shouldn't be trying to force you into something you are either uncomfortable doing, or just simply don't want to do. It's also - on your part - about honesty. If this is a friend or family member of yours, even if it hurts their feelings, you have to be honest. Tell them you don't want to do whatever it is they want you to do. Be firm if they try to make you feel guilty. Really, it's not fair to either of you.

~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com

Be You.

Ditch The Label


Don't let the image of Chris Crocker mislead you. Surprisingly wiser than most seem to think.

The video says most of what I have to say. People are obsessed. They love this celebrity, they want to be that celebrity. I understand waiting for some new movie or CD to come out, but letting it run your life is not cool. Wanting to be someone that's not you is even worse. Stop trying to be Britney Spears. Stop trying to be Zac Efron. Neither of them are as amazing as the person you can be. I'm not saying you have to write music instead of listening to it, but don't obssess over it. Obsession is an unhealthy thing.
There are so many more important things in life. Family. Friends, Just... there's so much more to life than trying to be someone you're not, and obsessing over someone you want to be.

Which leads me into my next point.

Labels.

I am going to say this, and I know I am possibly going to get shit for it. There is no such thing as a "label." No one is "emo," no one is "punk," no one is "gangsta." Everyone is just them. The way they act does not define them as a person. Except, of course, for the girlies dressed all in pink and hyped up on Starbucks that so desperately want to be the next Miley Cyrus. Why can't people just enjoy themselves as people? Why do they have to try to be something you're not? Your life is just as interesting - if not more - than these celebrities that are making a billion dollars for each Disney-editted and propagated song they release to radio stations to overplay. Just be yourself. You're so much more of an actual person than them.
Ditch the label.
Be you.

~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com

Feeling Dictatorship

"this boy is convinced he is in love with me but i don't like relationships and i keep TELLING him that but he's convinced i'm just afraid of being hurt which yeah partly is a problem but that's not the reason i don't want a relationship with him. the worst part is he keeps saying, 'when you're ready for a relationship, i know you'll choose me.' because i WONTTTT!"

The first thing you need to do is make it clear that you need your space. If this has been going on for so long, and he's harrassing you, you need to tell him to back off. No more Mr. Nice Guy... or Ms. Nice Girl... Whichever. This guy needs to know when no means no and enough is enough. Now, I'm not saying be a downright bitch, but be firm, and make yourself and your position clear.
He knows you're not ready for a relationship, and he clearly doesn't respect it, which is proof in and of itself that he doesn't "love you." Infatuation? Sure. Bordering on obsession? Possibly. But if he's pressuring you into dating him eventually, that's not love. If he really loved you, he would know to back off without you saying anything. Your attitude should be enough, but since he obviously can't take the hint, be more direct - no matter how you think it might hurt him. Some people need to be bitch-slapped by reality to wake up.
Tell him that he can't tell you how you feel. Only you know who you like, but no one - not even you - knows who you will like. For him to say you'll pick him when you're ready, that's totally unfair. He keeps putting you in awkward positions, and it's totally unfair to you. That's not love and dedication. That is, as I said, pressure bordering on obsession.
If you're being pressured into a relationship, or being made to feel guilty, or being told how you feel about someone, tell that person to piss off. No lie, no one has any right to make you feel one way (intentionally), or tell you how you feel. It pisses people off, and it just puts everyone in an awkward, irritated funk. No one likes feeling like that.
So even if you're just a naturally nice person, sometimes you just have to be firm. If they get hurt, they'll heal eventually - we all do. And if they hate you afterwards, they obviously didn't "love" you in the first place. You told them how you feel, now let them deal.

~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com

Politics + Friendship

Today, I witnessed an overwhelming amount of people rubbing Obama's victory in McCain supporter's faces. I also witnessed a 9th grade girl crying uncontrollably over the potential loss of her best friend because of politics. The best friend was a hardcore Obama supporter, and the victim of this harsh assault of words was a supporter of neither, but preferred McCain.
Is this fair?
Moreover: can politics and friendship ever coincide?

Opinions are like assholes: everybody has one. Some people wanted McCain to win for whatever reason, and some people wanted Obama win for whatever reason. My job is not to present bias, although I think it's quite apparent - especially if you read my personal blog - who I had hopes for. My job is to tell you things like this:
It is not our job to judge. It is not fair of us to judge someone because of who they wanted to run this country. We respect each other, and each other's opinions. However, there is a problem with ill-informed opinions. People may say what they think, but if what they think is not backed up and/or is biased by unfair factors, then they need a reality check, and have no right getting on your case for their opinons. Do not let politics get in the way of a good friendship. If you know your friend is sensitive about politics, please steer clear of the subject. You'll be doing yourself and your friend - and your friendship as a whole - a great favor. The less drama, the better.

~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com

So They Won't Talk To You...

"Let's say that someone who I've always kinda referred to as my "best friend" and i haven't talked recently. Not because we're fighting (to my knowledge), but because in the hours upon hours we are both online, she never initiates the conversation. It's kinda always been like that, unless something big happened that she was waiting until I got on to tell me. Now, though, it's been over a week and she hasn't made any attempt to talk to me, when even if we didn't instant messge, she'd write on my Facebook wall or smoething. Is she mad at me, do you think, or should I just go back to what I usually do and initiate conversation?"

To be honest, I can't tell you whether or not she's mad at you. I'm not in her head; I don't know her emotions. However, if she is going out of her way to purposefully not talk to you, there is obviously something up. I'd say just chill for a bit. Let her get over whatever her problem is and then she'll talk to you. If she doesn't, then I guess we know where her loyalty lies.

We can't make people like us, in any way. We can't make people want to be our friends, or our lovers. It's not our job to make people like us. If they like us, then so be it, but if they don't, oh well. We can't control our feelings, let alone anyone elses. It's not our responsibility to make people feel a certain way about us. If someone doesn't want to talk to us, for whatever reason, so be it. My friend's father does not like my mother because she wears fake eyelashes, and he happens to hate make up. Shallow, yes, but she can't make him want to talk to her.

People can be shallow. People can be assholes. If they don't want to talk to you, it's their loss, not yours. I don't care how fabulous they may seem, they're not if they're not willing to open themselves up to a new person.

~J*~

Got Questions?

Clearly I'm at a loss for a decent topic to provide advice for. I'd love to hear from you; simply leave a comment with a question, or send questions to:

thesearetheyears@gmail.com

I can't wait to hear from you.

~J*~

Letting Go

Not a moment ago, I posted a blog about letting go on my personal blog. talking about grudges I have been holding and needing to get rid of those grudges. But why? It's just so much easier to keep hating someone, and so much more fun to keep gossiping about them. Or is it?
In the long run, how will putting someone down serve you?

Someone did something to you a few years ago and you still feel that burning hatred in your chest for them. You just want to keep hurting them however you can. Tear them down, ruin their lives. But it's so not worth it, because really, by holding onto that, you may be hurting them, but you're hurting yourself way more. I don't care if you don't believe in karma, you better believe that tearing someone down like that will come back to bite you in the ass. What is being a bitch to that person doing for you, really? Is it making you a better person? Or is it lowering you to their level?

Do I really need to tell you it's the latter? Because I think you all are smart enough to know that much.

You really don't like this person, so you talk shit about them and tear them down. But you're just making yourself into the type of person everyone - including you - hates. That's just ridiculous and petty and hypocritical. You should want to be better than them. You shouldn't stoop to that level, because it's not serving you or anyone else in the end.
Let go.
I know you can't control your feelings. If you hate someone, you hate them. But you can control the way those feelings affect you. You can be the bigger person, walk away, and let go. Let that person sink into the other faces you pass by in the hallways. No, I'm not saying forgive that person. In the end, the forgiving will happen on its own. Forgiving sometimes comes with forgetting, and by forgetting, that person gets a clean slate. You don't ever have to talk to them again, because of that impression they gave you, but just let it go, and in time, the rest will fade on its own.

~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com

Relationships, Friendships; Is There That Much of a Difference?

I take AP Psychology as an elective. It was today, after that class, that I got the idea for this post. I was walking with an aquaintence of mine, and she told me that she was thinking of dumping her boyfriend. When I asked why, she told me it was because she didn't want one. I told her I was tired of being single, and she asked a question, something along these lines:
"What's the difference between a boyfriend and a best friend?"
This got me to thinking: really, the only thing different is the physical contact. Or does it go deeper than that?
We all see the boyfriends and girlfriends sucking face in the hallway. Us single ones get a pang of jealousy, and the taken ones crave the company of their significant other. But does the difference between friendships and relationships go deeper than just that physical contact? Deeper than just the touch of lips, the exchanging of sweat between sheets drenched in passion? You want to cuddle with someone and watch movies all day; can't it just be with your best friend? Are those sexual feelings the only true difference?

Feelings in general make up the difference between friendships and relationships. You talk with your best friend, you talk with your partner. You hug your best friend, you hug your partner. But the feelings behind each type of relationship differ so greatly. You love your best friend, and you love your partner. But that love is so different in both relationships. It's really more than just the sexual feelings. These feelings - in both types of relationships - are so complex, but the feeling of loving someone as more than a friend is next to impossible to understand. It's like the most addictive drug. When you have experienced love for someone - in a more-than-friend way - you want it so badly. You never want that feeling to go away, and you want it to be requited. You just want to be with that person, in the most romantic way possible, ways that you can't be with your best friend. That is the difference, and that is what's worth fighting for.

~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com

Crush... Crush... Crush, crush crush (2, 3, 4!)

(Title credit - Paramore, "Crushcrushcrush")

I've recently been confronted with a problem. Two of my best friends are crushing on the same boy. Said boy is currently involved in a quite serious relationship. However, only one best friend is the focus here, because she is the one that feels strongest for this boy. Needless to say, not only is the boy clueless, but because he is involved in a relationship, the feeling is unrequited. Granted, Best Friend hasn't really hung out with the guy before... that much. She's known him for a couple years, but hasn't really started talking to him until fairly recently.
Now that I've given some background, I can go into the more unbiased side of this. The general, gray area of advice.
When we have feelings for someone, and the object of our affection is in a relationship, how do we handle it?
Can we handle such situations rationally?

Rationality centers around our ability to take things in stride and move on with our life. You cannot contorl your feelings. No one can. It's impossible to control what your heart tells you to feel. No one likes feeling love for someone that can't be returned. But when there's another element in the way - a boyfriend or girlfriend - one needs to learn when to back off and let things happen as they happen. Do not try to get involved with that relationship, or try to end it. As my friend's old biology teacher said, "Love is about being in the right place at the right time." For whatever reason, you're supposed to feel that way for that person. Maybe it's to help you cope with that pain. Whatever the reason be, you absolutely cannot try anything to sabotage that person's relationship for your own personal gain. You cannot do that, because you're putting that person through pain, and if you really cared for them, you wouldn't hurt them like that.
Not only should you not try to sabotage the relationship, but when you know the object of your affection is in a relationship, you should not hang all over that person. You should not be all touchy-feely. You should give them their personal space and back off. Either the physical contact will be unwanted on their part, or they will feel confused and/or helpless, and return the physical affection. This sends so many wrong signals back and forth and complicates things further.
Back off.
Do not try anything with this person. You can't stop feeling what you're feeling, but you can't sit and pine away and wish for things that may or may not have changed anything. Wishing something could've been different in the past - having regrets - makes everything worse. So don't try to hide from your feelings. But don't let your life revolve around those feelings, or that person. It makes everything harder and worse for you. Pining away makes you want the thing you can't have even more. Continue living your life.

~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com

The Plunge

My friend posted a blog earlier today about - generally speaking - love. More specifically, a certain boy she has feelings for. However, she is somewhat nervous - almost afraid - to pursue these feelings. She has been out of a relationship for a while now, yet is scared of the wounds that may be reopened if this potential relationship ends badly. The boy has just gotten out of a one year relationship, and claims to be over his ex, but... one can never be certain enough.
When entering a new relationship, should we be wary? Or should we just take the plunge?

People say to live in the moment, to just do things as instinct says. Do you eat the chocolate now, or save it for later? You want the satisfaction right then and there, not thinking about the consequences later. When it comes to relationships, does it really deviate from that sweet, velvety Ghiardelli chocolate bar? Should we just not think about the consequenses and dive in head first? As Natasha Bedingfield would say, should we "release our inhibitions?"
I'm going to stop asking rhetorical questions and using metaphors and give you my answer.
As always, it comes down to personal choice and, as the cliche goes, listening to what your heart tells you. Live in the moment, or assess the risks. Living in the moment provides more freedom, a wider variety of choices later on in the path you take. Living within risks is like living in a padded cell. It keeps you safe, but it can drive you insane because of the lack of freedom.
The winds of love blow past you. Do you follow the scent they carry to the source, or do you think first, and potentially let that scent die away? I know I say if it's meant to be, it will happen one day, and this is true. But it's up to you to decide when. You have to make the choice.
You don't want to be hurt again, because the pain from the end of your last relationship was so horrible. But will it really be that bad this time, if you know what to expect? Wouldn't that last relationship have made you stronger? Absolutely. How much stronger, I can't say. It varies from person to person. But you can live through it. Almost all pain is endurable, and the shattering pain of heartbreak is included.

~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com

Stress: The Thing That Makes You Want To Choke The Hell Out Of Someone

"It's barely a month into the school year, and I'm already so stressed. I have all of my classes, some of which are Honors-level, and I'm already failing math. I have band, which comes with rehearsals for performances, and I've been selected for pit orchestra for the fall musical. On top of that, I'm part of the school literary club and have chores at home, to say nothing of college applications and graduation tasks to complete. On top of all of that, I also have a job and my mother is urging me to get another job. Everything feels so unbalanced, even with the meticulous schedule I've come up with. What can I do to minimize the stress?"

Whoa there. Let's take a breath now and relax. High school life is complex, especially if you have a job on the side, and you're looking for college; plus the extracurricular cherry on top. Let's take a step back and observe the current situation.
When is too much, too much?

Let's start with the classes. If Honors-level classes are too much work, I suggest you drop down into on-level courses. I realize colleges like to see Honors credits, but if it's to the point where you're this stressed, it's not healthy, and you'll end up insane. Or worse, failing. Dropping down to on-level classes does not make you any less smart. It might just be for work-load relief. If it's too late, then you have to just persevere. You might have to cut back on your social life and doing things you enjoy, such as being on the computer and/or phone and/or TV. You have to get your priorities in order. What's more important to you; grades or fun stuff? I think we all know the answer.
As far as the chores go, there is no way out of them. Your parents are going to make you help out around the house. Money is an excellent source of motivation, but seeing how tight the economy is, that might not work for your family, and you might just have to do the chores for the sake of not getting grounded.
Your job. You want to make money? Stick with it. I don't know what your employment situation is, but I assume you're allowed breaks. On those breaks, maybe work on some of that pesky homework from those Honors classes ;) Try to see if you can adjust your hours to something that bends easier to your needs.
Now for those extracurriculars. Band. Pit for the fall musical. I don't know if this is something you enjoy doing, or your parents are making you do, but chances are, either way, you can't get out. Plus, colleges love them extracurriculars. So the band and such mixed with the job... I can see where that would hurt. Metaphorically, and possibly physically. At the end of a long week, if you can, take a nice hot bath. And if not, a long, hot shower. Then relax with a good book or curled up in front of the TV for some mindless entertainment. Try to get to sleep as early as possible so you're not stressed out the next day.
I hope this helped.

~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com

Prostitution is Legal. But Attention Prostitution Should Have Limits.

We all know an attention whore. Hell, maybe we ourselves are attention whores. There's nothing wrong with trying to get attention every now and then. Everyone needs some love. Hell, maybe even some hate. Any sort of attention can help fuel the fire inside that we all secretly know we have. But how do we know when we're crossing the line with our attention need?
Are we selling ourselves too much for attention?

Attention prostitution has become a big fad. Any cry for attention, no matter how extreme, from cutting to purging, is just that: a cry for attention. As far as cutting goes, it's only a cry for attention when you broadcast the fact. I'm not saying go cut yourself, but be quiet about it. I'm saying don't do it at all. But people do broadcast it, and that's one cry for attention that is most obvious and pathetic. Harming yourself to get attention is pointless and just... petty.
Everything is not about you. It is also about the people around you. You're not the only one that likes attention. Other people like to be heard and paid attention to. It's not all about just one person. Just because someone is different or of "higher status" - or "lower status" as the case may be - does not mean they deserve more attention.

There's a line that we stand on one side of that sometimes we accidentally cross. Sometimes we don't know we're crossing it. And sometimes, like most lines, it just blurs. I can't tell you when too much is too much. That's your job to determine when too much is too much. But broadcasting the fact that you are hurting yourself is not cool and it's not a good way to get "attention." Hell, hurting yourself in general is not cool and it's not good. Maybe think before you try anything.

I know this wasn't that great of a blog, and I'm sorry. I don't know quite how to address this issue fully and well-worded...ly?

~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com

Two Posts In One Day?: Pass on That Aggression

"So one of my friends was passive-aggressive with me today..."

In J's words
Passive-aggressive: adj.; When people are too lazy to actually communicate their feelings of anger.

Ever deal with a friend who you've recently fought with that kind of just ignored you for a while? Wasn't as talkative as usual? I'm pretty sure everyone has, because everyone deals with similar dramas with their friends, and at one point or another, you deal with passive-aggression. But the question is, how do you deal with it?
Are we passive about passive-aggression?

When the Big Bad Fight is over, how do you cope? Do you resume normalcy with that friend? Or do you just kind of let things blow over while you remain silent with each other for a few days? Who gets over it first? And if it's you, does the other remain that dreaded, hyphenated word? You know the word. Passive-aggressive. It's obnoxious, really. They're angry, so they half-ignore you, and it drives you up the wall. They're totally stubborn, and you just want to hit them. Or something of that nature. Do you let it affect you like this? No. You take a stand and tell them "Talk to me about what is bothering you. Enough with this half-assed friendship; I want to get over this bump." Because that's what passive-aggression is. A half-assed attempt at a repaired friendship. Be straight-forward. Don't hide behind silence and just say what's bugging you. If your friendship is so strong, then it will withstand the brutality of the truth.

~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com

Welcome to a Town Called Hypocrisy

The title is more of a note to myself, because I totally contradicted myself on this advice recently... I should really start listening to my own advice...

Why do those close to us insist on hurting themselves? Cigarettes. Drugs. Alcohol. All that kind of stuff. We don't like it when they do that, because we care about their well-being. But is it up to us to dictate what mistakes they make?
Are we our best friends' keepers?

This weekend, one of my best friends went down town with a group of her friends and did something called "hookah," which is sort of a midground between a drug and like, a pack of cigarettes. Okay, so sue me for exaggeration. If you really care, look it up on Wikipedia. That's what I did.
Anyway.
I told myself I wouldn't be mad at her. At first, I was. Then I realized it was her life, her mistake to make. She went through with it, and I was absolutely, entirely livid. I still am. But it's not my job to tell her what to do. It's not your job to tell your friends what to do. It's their life to live, their mistakes to make.
How much of it is our business?
This much: 0%
Leave it be, and let them fuck up for themselves. That doesn't mean you have to care for them any less, that you have to love them any less. If it gets too out of hand, maybe you should talk to someone that they will listen to. But until it gets to that point... just keep your nose out of it. Do yourself a favor and just don't get involved. You might lose a friend if you do.

~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com

Best Served Cold? Or Is This One Dish You Don't Want The Waiter To Bring?

When someone does something to piss us off, we have that moment at first where we want nothing more than to hurt the offender. We want to ruin them, somehow, some way. They hurt us so bad, that we want to hurt them right back. I've addressed revenge before, but not to this degree.

It hurts even worse if they're your friend. It hurts the worst if they're your "best friend." They hurt you, and you feel something ignite within your heart, and you want that spark to burn them, bad. I suppose this can get into the whole nature-versus-nurture thing, but let's keep it simple: Are we instinctively driven for revenge? More importantly: is revenge worth it?

Stooping to their level is a big no-no. You say you hate them, or you reallllly don't like them, for those of you that believe hate is a strong word or whatever. You hate/dislike them so much, you want to get back at them, but then stooping to their level will only turn you into them - even if it's just a "one time thing" - and you'll end up being so mad at yourself. You may not regret it right away, but damnit, you will. To quote Casablanca - though I've never seen it - "maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but one day you will, and for the rest of your life." Or something along those lines.

Let's jump off the "don't do it" train for a moment. Let's say you're totally going to disregard this advice and you're going to get revenge on someone anyway. Well, then, I can't stop you. But at least listen to this. Do me this one favore.
Think on it.
Think on it really really good. Think of every possible outcome, think about every possible pro and con. Think before you do it. Please, not for me, or anyone else, but for you.

Revenge is like a tattoo. At the moment, it seems like a good idea. It seems so satisfactory. But then as you age, the ink droops and begins to look unattractive and you regret it. Not that I'm saying a tattoo is a bad thing.
I want one.
A small one on my wrist or something.
Or my hand or foot.
But I digress.
Revenge maybe a dish best served cold, but as it heats up, it doesn't taste so good. Regrets. Just the stooping to their level. Not a good idea. Please. To save yourself from so much drama, just don't do it. It'll save you so much energy, time, and just... life.

As my friend WriterGirl17 (http://sameideadifferentwords.blogspot.com/) would say:
Peace, love, and good advice,
~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com

Ca-Ching.

Ew. Spoiled teenagers. Teenagers with fancy cars that their parents bought for them. Expensive iPhones with the 100 dollar per month plans that their parents pay for. It's so damn annoying.
Yesterday in my AP Psychology class, we got on the subject of punishment and rewards. A girl said that if she got good grades, her parents paid her. Twenty five dollars for every "A" she got. So if you're being paid to get good grades, are you getting good grades for the right reasons?

Friends are an important part of school. But they're not the important part. No, the important part is the education. The electives don't count, so much as the required classes, such as math, english, science, et cetera. If you're being paid to get good grades, then you're not learning. You're doing the work for money, not for your own well being. Are we so subhuman that we're willing to be bought off like that? Do we just try to do good in school, hoping for some sort of rewards? Are we just grade-whores?

Everyone is different - obviously. Everyone's parents are different. If they want to pay you for good grades, so be it. But don't just do it for the money. Do it for you. Some people may think school isn't worth it, but really, it is - if you want to get anywhere in life. You can't live off of mommy and daddy forever, no matter how spoiled you are. Sorry to break it to you. So get out of this habit - now. Work harder for you, not for Lincoln, Hamilton, and Franklin.

~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com

XOXO?

Ah, Gossip Girl, how we adore thee. You provide us with drama, much as the new 90210, the late O.C., all those other fine programs. These shows present the affects of gossip and drama - albeit, the examples are a bit extreme. But even so, think: do you wish for your life to be like those on such teen drama shows? It may look exciting and fun and what not, but do you really want your life to go to hell thanks to rumors? Do you really want to get yourself sucked into the drama and gossip so far that you won't get out till after high school. Maybe you'll go even farther. Maybe you'll be an asshole in the real world if you start now. Do you really want that? Is it worth it?

I know I've said this so much. I know one of the two things I "preach" most about is gossip and drama. I ask, "Is it worth it?" in every other blog. I gossip. I start drama. Are you kidding? Of course I do. Really, who doesn't? But you can't let yourself get so far down, you won't see the light of reality anymore. You need to realize something: your life should be the most important thing to you at this point in time. Your education, your family, your friends. Not other peoples' lives. It's not your job to talk about other people. If they want to talk about themselves, let them. And if people want to tell you things about other people, let them. But try to refrain from spreading that around, because you know something will come up, and you'll have the short end of the stick. I know this is getting old and tiring, but I see this every other day and it gets so so so so so old and annoying.

~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com

Interfriendshipness.

We all have a friend our other friends don't like. Maybe just one person doesn't like them, or maybe all of your friends don't like them. Should that really affect your friendship with this disliked person?

Recently, I had a beef with one of my very good friends. Everything is okay now, but I thought I'd use this as an example, because it's not unheard of. But first, let me backtrack.

Over a year ago, I met a girl named Caitie. She and I became very good friends. Then the fights started, and then she'd instant message me a couple months later saying she's sorry... This happened at least three times. Well the very last time she did this, she told me "Don't talk about so-and-so and Person XYZ because I'll get angry." Who thinks that's fair? Show of hands? I realize people don't like hearing about people they don't care for, but this is just totally ridiculous and unfair.

Fast-forward to August 30, 2008. My best friend has a problem with another close friend of mine that I have fought with a lot lately. I mentioned the latter person today, and Best Friend made a rude remark, and I lost it. I understand people don't like other people for whatever reason, but this person that Best Friend doesn't like is a good friend of mine; I'm not going to just stop talking about her. That's totally unfair.
If someone doesn't like one of your friends, what does it matter? It's none of their business who you're friends with, and if you decide to talk about them briefely or at length, it doesn't matter. It's your friendship; not theirs. So what if your friend doesn't like another one of your friends? That shouldn't affect your friendships. Any of them.

Make sense?

~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com

Back to School

For some of you - maybe most of you - school has resumed at the tail end of this hot and humid summer. I know - I'm one of those people unhappy about the earliness of school's resumption. And with school comes that drama we so desperately hate, and yet some of us secretly love. It adds spice to our boring education, right? Drama FTW? Not so much.



Okay, so school lives are basically boring. Sure, you have your friends, but you only see them MAYBE in the mornings - if you get there early enough - and at lunch. If you're lucky, you'll have a few classes with them. Great. That's fun. But meanwhile, there are so many people you have problems with. You see your opening, and you strike. Like that last pair of really nice earrings you like that you see some other woman eyeing. Oh yeah. We all know the feeling. Maybe not the earring analogy, but you know what I mean.
So you START SHIT. You cause drama and you get in deeper and you gossip and you do all that good stuff. Yeah, it's fun - at least for the moment. But think about it in the long run. Is it worth the "fun" to face a possibly stained reputation for the rest of your school days? Everyone gossips every once in a while; there's no crime in that. But when it escalates to the point where other people's lives are all you talk about, then you need to step back and get a serious reality check. Don't talk shit about people just because you're bored with your own life. Get a life, something to do, some fun to have. Something other than trying to bring people down by starting petty drama.
I'm not going to lie; I do things like this, and I'm sure you and every other teenager does. It's not abnormal. But I'm advising you against it. Because you're just going to fuck yourself over in the end.
School is starting up, boys and girls. Drama drama drama. Please, don't hesitate to email me with any questions, and you know I'll answer them to the best of my abilities.
Loves and such.

~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com

With People Like These, Who Needs Frenemies?

frenemy: n; The type of "friend" whose words or actions bring you down.(whether you realize it as intentional or not) The type of friend you ought to cut off but don't cuz...they're nice... good ...you've had good times with them. U know...they're good people that you can count on to bring you down again sometime in the near future.The friend you may or may not have cornered about their quicksand like ways and keep around because "its in the past"...and so was one minute ago. The person that will continue to bring you down until you demand better for yourself.

(Courtesy of urbandictionary.com)

So now we're all clear on what a frenemy is. Now take a look around at your circle of "friends." That definition sound like one of them? If so, what do you do?


Some people would argue that everyone needs at least one frenemy. This odd hybrid would balance us out by bringing us down when we are at our peak of happiness, to the point where we are self-centered, and maybe even egotistical.
But is it really necessary for someone to bring you down?

Frenemies are in everyone's circle of friends. Ninety-nine percent of people have at least one. And that one percent group of people thatdoesn't have a frenemy, they're a rare species of their own. Because these frenemies worm their way into our lives by seeming nice and well-meaning. And then they start to bring us down, and we may not even know they're doing it. It's not a matter of "balancing us out" when we're "too happy." It's a matter of the pure ecstacy they get out of bringing people - especially people close to them - down, down, down.
You, yourself, may be a "frenemy." Hell, you may not even know it. I have been to some people, and I'm not exactly happy about it. But those people are out of my life. Look around. Do you have someone that you call a friend, that insists on bringing you down every time you're in a state of euphoria? A friend that calls you names - and means them. I understand people joke around with their friends ("Oh, you bitch," "Oh, you whore") because I do it. But if someone says that to you, and you know that underneath it all, they mean those mean things, then get them out of your life. You don't need someone to sit there and tell you negative things. Your true friends will tell you when you're being self-centered or egotistical. You don't need someone to bring you down.

~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com

((PS: I know this is really bad, and I'm sorry; I'm having trouble thinking recently. Email me, ask me questions!))

Not-So-Best-Friend?

You've known them for so many years. You vent to them, and they do the same to you. They're there to talk to. Well, they were. Then they turned into someone totally different. Perhaps they've become a conniving bitch, but you're scared to get out of the friendship. You're scared they'll ruin your reputation, because they've become that kind of a person.
What do you do?

Normally, I'd say what I always say - communication is key. This, however, is different. You've tried talking, you've pulled out all the stops, and still, they are either not getting the hint, or they don't want to get the hint. They're so afraid of abandonment, they don't want you to leave, even if they are making your life miserable.
The first step is to get over your fear of a ruined reputation. We all know that school can be hell, especially with people laughing at you and talking behind your back. And if you do attempt to break away from this so-called friendship by, say, ignoring the person - which is the only other out I can truly think of - then you'll have to deal with that. Your true friends should stick by you through all of this.
So ex-best-friend has ruined you. How do you survive? Simple. What does it matter what other people think, really? The only thing that matters is what you think about yourself. Your friends, your enemies, hell, even your parents; so what if they don't like something about you? What does it matter? You are who you are, and they can accept it or get bent.

Now what about this ex-best-friend of yours?

You're craving that dish everyone knows is best served cold - revenge. You want to tear everything out from under them and bury them under it, in the hole they've dug themselves, while they writhe and kick and scream underneath.
Ghandi once said - and I'm sure you're very familiar with this quote - "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." What will revenge accomplish? Sure, it may be fun to see this person squirm, but what does it accomplish for you? Or anyone else, for that matter? The best thing to do - the thing that will probably bug them most of all - is nothing. And by doing nothing, that is the ultimate "revenge," because they're just dying for you to start up more drama. And if you don't, they'll get frustrated, and theyll scream, and eventually, they'll give up.

~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com

Something Bugging You, BFF?

"so, recently, i've felt like my best friend doesn't really like having me around. She always blows off our plans, and when we're out with groups, she barely even LOOKS at me. Am I just being paranoid, or is something wrong with our friendship?"

I can't safely answer this question. No one but your best friend is in your best friend's head. Only they know what they're thinking. Obviously, communication is the first step - like with any relationship, communication is key. So that's the first step - an attempt to talk. This presents three possible outcomes:
1. Outright denial that anything is wrong.
2. Anger that you'd "accuse" them of being mad at you, even if you weren't technically being accusatory.
3. An actual grown-up discussion about what's bugging them.

It's very possible you're "just being paranoid," but if this person is your best friend, wouldn't you try to save the friendship at all costs?
And the age-old question: is this person your best friend? If they decide to get mad at you and just blow you off without actually telling you why and talking about it, are they your true friend? Are they someone you really want to have intimately in your life? Is that the best thing for you, or even that person? It would be better to have someone close to you that wouldn't up and leave, that would have your back, and that would be willing to talk to you.

~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com

Technical Difficulties

Life isn't easy. Next to I love you, those are probably the three most overused words in the English language. "Life's a bitch, and then you die." Too true for words. But why is life a bitch? Why do we have to face hardships in life?

You'll probably come to notice that most of these "hardships" we all have to face come in your teens and twenties - and probably into your thirites. Hell, maybe even all the way up to mid-life. Why is this?
This blog is called "These Years Make Us Who We Are" for a reason. It's not just these years, but the hardships that come with them. With life comes loss, heartbreak, and obstacles we must over come. Why do we have to overcome them? More importantly, what's the point of all this trouble we're put through?
The trouble we have to put up with in these years molds us into the person we're meant to be. Every loss, every heartbreak, every little demon we have to go through on the way, filled the mold of the person we're supposed to be. There are going to be bumps in the metaphorical road of life, there are going to be bad parts in every chapter. But sometimes, you have to turn the page, no matter how hard it is. By getting through it, you're filling that mold a little bit more, and you're becoming more and more like the person you're meant to be. You're becoming the person that you're meant to leave your mark in this world as. Maybe it'll be a big mark, and maybe not so big, but I can guarantee you, after your gone, someone will remember you and care about you. Those hardships, those obstacles, form you into your destined self, and that doesn't just affect you, but others. Your friends, your family, your children, your children's children. You can change the world to everyone, or to just one person.
Isn't it worth all that trouble? Isn't knowing that you'll mean something to someone worth all of this pain that you have to go through?
Yes.
Of course it is.
I'm not a preppy optimist. I have my bad days and what not, where I think "what's the point?" But there is a point. It's not fun, it's not easy, but it's life, and it's the life you're meant to lead. So lead it.

~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com

Losing My Religion

It's like a Jesus Christ version of Romeo and Juliet. Two people, disallowed to date because one set of parents won't let their child date someone outside of their religion.
Does faith take priority over love?

People have beliefs. In these beliefs, they find solice. I'm no atheist, I belive in God. I am a Christian. But I am not strictly religious. Some parents are strictly religious, and follow whatever their religion is right down to every punctuation mark in whatever Bible or Torah they may have. But what if this religion says no to dating outside of religion? That's a sticky situation.
First of all, it depends on the parents. Are they very religious? Are they willing to let their child date outside of their religion, regardless of what their faith tells them to do? If yes, then you're all set. If not... that's when there's trouble.
There is no way out of this mess. I am not one to encourage sneaking around behind parents' backs, because, a) it's dishonest, and b) chances are, you'll get caught. I'm no saint. I'm sure as hell not honest half the time, but I don't want to tell people to lie to their parents.
So my answer to you is this:
If your lover's parents will not let them date you because you are outside of their religion, then there's always conversion. However, if it defies your beliefs, then... wait. If your love is true, it will wait. Don't remain dateless until you're legally adults and can see each other. But if your love is meant to be, then it will last until adulthood, when your lover is allowed to date whomever s/he wants.
Don't limit yourself to that one person, but don't give up hope entirely.

~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com

I'm Wondering If...

I'm wondering if I should break up with my boyfriend/girlfriend....

So, should you?


The first step to take here is talk to them. Talk, talk, TALK. All relationships are built on three BIG factors: fidelity, trust, and COMMUNICATION. If something is bothering you about your partner, you need to TALK IT OUT. That way, there's less of a chance of things going down hill, because you know what's bugging who. And if you know, you can either fix it... or end it.
If you've tried talking - or the other half of the relationship is unwilling to talk - it is best to end it. Or at least, take a break. Personally, I am not a firm believer of these mythical "breaks," but sometimes they work for people. Sometimes you just need some time apart to sort things out. But just what if... what if you're not happy. You're just wondering, "should I end the relationship? I'm not happy. I don't see this going anywhere."
Then yes.
End it.
But a warning: Don't be nasty about it. Try to keep things on decent terms. Which goes back to one of my previous blogs, about life after break-ups.
So:
Step one - Talk. If this has already been done, or is impossible, skip to step three.
Step two - Try to work on it together.
Step three - Tell the person you need a "break." If the other half disagrees, skip to step five.
Step four - Have some time seperate. Remain faithful, but do not talk to each other. It's called a "break" for a reason.
Step five - End it on peaceful terms (but only if necessary)

That's basically it. But most of all - and this is a really cliched line, so be ready - follow your heart. Do what that giant pumping organ tells you to do. For men, that's your heart, not that other organ that... Oh, nevermind.

~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com

Pressure? What Pressure?

There's so much pressure out there. Peer pressure to do drugs and stuff. But pressure from your lover is what can really matter. But can your lover really pressure you?

To put it simply: of course. They may use your love as a weapon, or they may be subtle about it. The big pressure in a relationship is, of course, sex. To simplify it further: don't let them pressure you. No matter how much they tell you they love you, only have sex when you're ready. People are tricked into doing things they don't want to do by their partners. It's not love; it's pressure. If your boyfriend is pestering you to have sex all the time, does he really love you? Wouldn't he respect your wishes when you say no?
If your partner really, truly loves you, they will wait until you're ready. And you should do the same for them. Don't pressure them into having sex with you if they don't want to. I know you're thinking "but my boyfriend/girlfriend loves me!" Okay. They love you. Then they won't try to get you to have sex with them if you're not ready. And don't let yourself think you're ready, just because you're scared they'll break up with you.
If they break up with you because you won't give them sex, then really, were they worth it in the first place?
No.
Your true lover will respect your wishes if you say "no."

~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com

Life After Break-ups?

It's so awkward. When someone breaks up with you, and you keep seeing them everywhere. Not the "just in your head," seeing them, but literally bumping into them wherever you go. But is it possible to go on as friends after you've broken up?

A case of Breakup-phobia has recently been brought to my attention. The reason person A doesn't want to break up with person B is because everyone in person A's group of friends is also person B's friends, and person A doesn't want things to get "awkward."
This frustrates me to no end. The only reason you should not be friends with your ex is if they are total assholes. If you broke up on decent terms, then why just not talk to each other? Hell, if you broke up on not-so-decent terms, it doesn't mean you're never allowed to talk to your ex again.
So why are we compelled to stay away from the ones we've recently ended things with?
I understand a week or so of away time to manage hurt feelings and whatnot, but months and months of not talking to someone just because you're no longer a couple? That's a little extreme, don't you think?
This happened to me going on two years ago. I got broken up with, and my ex didnt' talk to me for eight months or so. I didn't really understand; was it so hard to talk to me? I mean, they never gave me a reason... didn't I at least deserve that?
Of course, things got patched up eventually, but the point is, I was avoided for eight months. I was heartbroken for a good majority of those months. What is so hard about talking to your ex again?
I get the "awkward" factor. But a week or so should be enough to get over that, one would think.
My point is, don't cut someone out just because you've broken up with them. There is a such thing as being "just friends," you know.

~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com

OMG!! Popularity!

I've touched on popularity before - especially in my last post. But is it really worth all the drama?

Being popular is nice. It's nice to have people know your name, and it's cool to have everyone preaching their love to you. You're desired, and you like that. But with that popularity comes the rumors. The rumors that those that envy you - or just outright hate you - start. These rumors can tear you down. People know your name, but it becomes this way for all the wrong reasons.
"Mindy Popular has crabs."
"Erik Jockboy is gay."
"Cassie Slutmonster sleeps around."

They keep going and going, and for all someone knows, they might be true. But fact and fiction doesn't matter. People will believe anything, any juicy, meaty gossip. People just devour it. They want to be in on the secrets, and soon, it's not a secret anymore.
It's not worth all of this, because in the end, you won't stay popular. You'll be ruined, or you'll just give up. Not to mention the loss of your true friends. You become so wrapped up in your newfound popularity, you forget about the people that care about you.
So no. It's not worth it. It might be nice, for a while, but in the end, it doesn't matter how many people know your name. You're not a god. You're a human being, and you're not any more special than the rest of us.

~J*~

*NOTE: "You" is just a generalization; this isn't to anyone in particular.

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com

Quality Over Quantity

In my last post, I talked about the Couples versus the Singles. I also touched on the "best friends" topic, as I did in the post before that. I think it's time to delve a little deeper. And, as per usual, I'll start with a question - which is more important: quality, or quantity?

People love popularity, for obvious reasons. It's nice to have people know your name. It's nice to get some attention. It's even nice to be envied, sometimes. Being the "it" girl or guy can make someone the happiest person in the world. This is why people enjoy having a lot of friends - they get that feeling popular people get. The feeling of importance, et cetera. But when it gets right down to the bare bones of it, does it really matter how many friends you have?
It doesn't matter how many. As one of my friends put it, "it's better to have one person that cares, than a room full of people that don't give a shit." And it's true. If you have friends that leave you when the going gets tough, they're not your friends. If they gossip about you and stab you in the back, they're not your friends. Your best friend will be there for you, period. They'll never betray you. Ever. That's that, plain and simple.
Sure, it's nice to have a lot of friends. But don't expect all of them to be there for you through it all. And when something comes up, and some of them aren't by your side, then that answers your question of their loyalty.

~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com

Couples vs. Singles

I'm sure you've noticed when your friends find a significant other, they seem... different. Right?

You're not alone. When one of your friends finds a boyfriend or girlfriend, they're bound to act different. Maybe happier. You're going to hear a lot about their partner. So be prepared for "Johnny Boyfriend did this" or "Julie Girlfriend is so funny." Not that this is necessarily a bad thing. But when it escalates to the point where all this friend cares about is their partner, then we have a problem.
I like to call this R.P.D. - Relationship Priority Disorder. It's when someone in a relationship favors their partner over their friends - or vice versa. It's understandable for someone to talk about their significant other - to an extent. But let's say Johnny Goodfriend has been neglecting you as a friend.
Perhaps he just cares more about his partner than you, but this is wrong. A friend is a friend is a friend. Boyfriend/girlfriend relationships and friendships are two very, very different kinds of relationships. And while they are different, this does not mean one is more important than the other.
Relationships tend to come and go, but the friends are the ones who are always gonna be there for you, through thick and thin. Friends are going to be the ones who help you through it when your boyfriend or girlfriend breaks up with you.
And even if you have the perfect relationship, even if you've found your soulmate, this person should not take priority over your friends!
Maybe they pity you. They're in a relationship, and you're pathetically single. Well, they see it as pathetic. Perhaps you don't. Maybe they want you to tag along with them. But you don't want to be a third wheel. Don't let them take pity on you. Show them you're okay, that you know you'll find someone. And if you dont' want to find someone, if you enjoy being single, make sure they know that.
Some people in a relationship think they're better than you because they've found their "other half." They might not know they think this way, but some - not all, some - of them do.
The only cure for R.P.D. is a solid dose of reality. If your friend is neglecting you for their partner, or vice versa, then you need to point that out to them. And if they don't want to listen, so be it; they'll come around eventually.

~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com

Let's Start With The Cliche...

How can you tell when your friends are lying to you?

Sorry to tell you, but unless you know your friend really well, you won't know if they're lying to you. Think poker: every poker player has a tell when they're bluffing. Unless you know this friend's "tell," then you won't know if they're lying.
But what if they're lying to you to make you feel better?
A good friend - a best friend - would never do this. They would tell you the truth flat out. They would fold when they thought it was necessary, and they would ante up when they want to. They know never to bluff with you. Your friends should have no reason to lie to you. They're supposed to be the ones who stick by you no matter what. They're supposed to tell you how it is, not lie to make you feel better.
Think of it like this: If you saw a pair of shoes that you really, really liked, but just wouldn't look right on you, would you want your friend to lie to you and say they looked good so you look like an idiot in public, or would you rather them tell you the truth? Granted, you might not listen to your friends when they tell you the truth - especially if it's something you don't want to hear. You really want that pair of shoes, and you don't care what your friend says - you're going to buy them and that's that.
Your good friends have your best interests at heart. They'll tell you the truth, even if it means sounding like a bitch. It's up to you whether or not you want to listen.

~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com

Who am I?

Let's start right off the bat:
I am fifteen, going on sixteen years old. You may think this means I'm not the best person to be getting this advice from. Au contraire. I'm the one going through this with you. I may not deal with a lot of the "serious" stuff, but I know people that are. I am close to people that lead some of the hardest lives - and they're only teenagers.
I've experienced a lot, and I've heard a lot more. And through all this, I have gained wisdom. Granted, I have a ways to go, but... well, don't we all? We all deal with things, and we're all going to deal with a lot more. From friends to family, from gossip to popularity, we've all felt certain pain. We've all dealt with certain hardships. We've all gone through different things that build our character, who we're meant to be as an end result. That's why these years are the ones that make us who we are (as I'm so sure you're sick of hearing) - because these are the years we learn from. All of the drama we have to face, it all molds us into who we're supposed to be.

~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com