Interfriendshipness.

We all have a friend our other friends don't like. Maybe just one person doesn't like them, or maybe all of your friends don't like them. Should that really affect your friendship with this disliked person?

Recently, I had a beef with one of my very good friends. Everything is okay now, but I thought I'd use this as an example, because it's not unheard of. But first, let me backtrack.

Over a year ago, I met a girl named Caitie. She and I became very good friends. Then the fights started, and then she'd instant message me a couple months later saying she's sorry... This happened at least three times. Well the very last time she did this, she told me "Don't talk about so-and-so and Person XYZ because I'll get angry." Who thinks that's fair? Show of hands? I realize people don't like hearing about people they don't care for, but this is just totally ridiculous and unfair.

Fast-forward to August 30, 2008. My best friend has a problem with another close friend of mine that I have fought with a lot lately. I mentioned the latter person today, and Best Friend made a rude remark, and I lost it. I understand people don't like other people for whatever reason, but this person that Best Friend doesn't like is a good friend of mine; I'm not going to just stop talking about her. That's totally unfair.
If someone doesn't like one of your friends, what does it matter? It's none of their business who you're friends with, and if you decide to talk about them briefely or at length, it doesn't matter. It's your friendship; not theirs. So what if your friend doesn't like another one of your friends? That shouldn't affect your friendships. Any of them.

Make sense?

~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com

Back to School

For some of you - maybe most of you - school has resumed at the tail end of this hot and humid summer. I know - I'm one of those people unhappy about the earliness of school's resumption. And with school comes that drama we so desperately hate, and yet some of us secretly love. It adds spice to our boring education, right? Drama FTW? Not so much.



Okay, so school lives are basically boring. Sure, you have your friends, but you only see them MAYBE in the mornings - if you get there early enough - and at lunch. If you're lucky, you'll have a few classes with them. Great. That's fun. But meanwhile, there are so many people you have problems with. You see your opening, and you strike. Like that last pair of really nice earrings you like that you see some other woman eyeing. Oh yeah. We all know the feeling. Maybe not the earring analogy, but you know what I mean.
So you START SHIT. You cause drama and you get in deeper and you gossip and you do all that good stuff. Yeah, it's fun - at least for the moment. But think about it in the long run. Is it worth the "fun" to face a possibly stained reputation for the rest of your school days? Everyone gossips every once in a while; there's no crime in that. But when it escalates to the point where other people's lives are all you talk about, then you need to step back and get a serious reality check. Don't talk shit about people just because you're bored with your own life. Get a life, something to do, some fun to have. Something other than trying to bring people down by starting petty drama.
I'm not going to lie; I do things like this, and I'm sure you and every other teenager does. It's not abnormal. But I'm advising you against it. Because you're just going to fuck yourself over in the end.
School is starting up, boys and girls. Drama drama drama. Please, don't hesitate to email me with any questions, and you know I'll answer them to the best of my abilities.
Loves and such.

~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com

With People Like These, Who Needs Frenemies?

frenemy: n; The type of "friend" whose words or actions bring you down.(whether you realize it as intentional or not) The type of friend you ought to cut off but don't cuz...they're nice... good ...you've had good times with them. U know...they're good people that you can count on to bring you down again sometime in the near future.The friend you may or may not have cornered about their quicksand like ways and keep around because "its in the past"...and so was one minute ago. The person that will continue to bring you down until you demand better for yourself.

(Courtesy of urbandictionary.com)

So now we're all clear on what a frenemy is. Now take a look around at your circle of "friends." That definition sound like one of them? If so, what do you do?


Some people would argue that everyone needs at least one frenemy. This odd hybrid would balance us out by bringing us down when we are at our peak of happiness, to the point where we are self-centered, and maybe even egotistical.
But is it really necessary for someone to bring you down?

Frenemies are in everyone's circle of friends. Ninety-nine percent of people have at least one. And that one percent group of people thatdoesn't have a frenemy, they're a rare species of their own. Because these frenemies worm their way into our lives by seeming nice and well-meaning. And then they start to bring us down, and we may not even know they're doing it. It's not a matter of "balancing us out" when we're "too happy." It's a matter of the pure ecstacy they get out of bringing people - especially people close to them - down, down, down.
You, yourself, may be a "frenemy." Hell, you may not even know it. I have been to some people, and I'm not exactly happy about it. But those people are out of my life. Look around. Do you have someone that you call a friend, that insists on bringing you down every time you're in a state of euphoria? A friend that calls you names - and means them. I understand people joke around with their friends ("Oh, you bitch," "Oh, you whore") because I do it. But if someone says that to you, and you know that underneath it all, they mean those mean things, then get them out of your life. You don't need someone to sit there and tell you negative things. Your true friends will tell you when you're being self-centered or egotistical. You don't need someone to bring you down.

~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com

((PS: I know this is really bad, and I'm sorry; I'm having trouble thinking recently. Email me, ask me questions!))

Not-So-Best-Friend?

You've known them for so many years. You vent to them, and they do the same to you. They're there to talk to. Well, they were. Then they turned into someone totally different. Perhaps they've become a conniving bitch, but you're scared to get out of the friendship. You're scared they'll ruin your reputation, because they've become that kind of a person.
What do you do?

Normally, I'd say what I always say - communication is key. This, however, is different. You've tried talking, you've pulled out all the stops, and still, they are either not getting the hint, or they don't want to get the hint. They're so afraid of abandonment, they don't want you to leave, even if they are making your life miserable.
The first step is to get over your fear of a ruined reputation. We all know that school can be hell, especially with people laughing at you and talking behind your back. And if you do attempt to break away from this so-called friendship by, say, ignoring the person - which is the only other out I can truly think of - then you'll have to deal with that. Your true friends should stick by you through all of this.
So ex-best-friend has ruined you. How do you survive? Simple. What does it matter what other people think, really? The only thing that matters is what you think about yourself. Your friends, your enemies, hell, even your parents; so what if they don't like something about you? What does it matter? You are who you are, and they can accept it or get bent.

Now what about this ex-best-friend of yours?

You're craving that dish everyone knows is best served cold - revenge. You want to tear everything out from under them and bury them under it, in the hole they've dug themselves, while they writhe and kick and scream underneath.
Ghandi once said - and I'm sure you're very familiar with this quote - "An eye for an eye makes the whole world blind." What will revenge accomplish? Sure, it may be fun to see this person squirm, but what does it accomplish for you? Or anyone else, for that matter? The best thing to do - the thing that will probably bug them most of all - is nothing. And by doing nothing, that is the ultimate "revenge," because they're just dying for you to start up more drama. And if you don't, they'll get frustrated, and theyll scream, and eventually, they'll give up.

~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com

Something Bugging You, BFF?

"so, recently, i've felt like my best friend doesn't really like having me around. She always blows off our plans, and when we're out with groups, she barely even LOOKS at me. Am I just being paranoid, or is something wrong with our friendship?"

I can't safely answer this question. No one but your best friend is in your best friend's head. Only they know what they're thinking. Obviously, communication is the first step - like with any relationship, communication is key. So that's the first step - an attempt to talk. This presents three possible outcomes:
1. Outright denial that anything is wrong.
2. Anger that you'd "accuse" them of being mad at you, even if you weren't technically being accusatory.
3. An actual grown-up discussion about what's bugging them.

It's very possible you're "just being paranoid," but if this person is your best friend, wouldn't you try to save the friendship at all costs?
And the age-old question: is this person your best friend? If they decide to get mad at you and just blow you off without actually telling you why and talking about it, are they your true friend? Are they someone you really want to have intimately in your life? Is that the best thing for you, or even that person? It would be better to have someone close to you that wouldn't up and leave, that would have your back, and that would be willing to talk to you.

~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com