"I Can't Very Well Be In a Relationship With Someone Who Won't Talk to Me, Now Can I?"

"For a while, everything was going great in my relationship. But recently, my boyfriend has avoided talking to me. I asked a friend of ours who lusts after my boyfriend, and she admitted that they had spoken in the time that he had not responded to me. So I called my boyfriend, and mentioned that he hadn't responded to my texts, and he said "I know." He then told me he had to go. Now he's back to not talking to me. I think he won't talk to me because during our last actual conversation, he kept trying to change my mind about saving myself for marriage. He knows that he could get sex from other girls, and has in fact received offers from these girls, but he said he had no reason to go to them as long as he had me. He knows that I hate the sexual things we do, and that I really don't want to do that anymore. He seemed understanding at the time, but now he won't talk to me. I also suspect that his constant sneaking around with me, and tendency to tell me one thing but tell someone else the same story but with different, often contradictory details, mean that he may be seeing another girl behind my back. How should I handle this situation?"

---

Your body is your temple. I know it sounds amazingly corny, but it is true. You feel that your decision to save yourself for marriage and remain "pure" is the right decision, and that needs to be respected. His actions belie his words when he says he respects this decision, and then refuses to talk to you seemingly because of it.
Your mutual friend that he has talked to instead of you probably puts out, and there is a better-than-decent chance that he's trying to get into her pants because he can't get into yours. I'm not saying this is right - it isn't at all. Your decision to save yourself is, in my opinion, a wise and very patient one.
Being a teenage boy, it is no surprise that he is all about sex. However, just because teenage boys have a higher sex drive than teenage girls doesn't mean they should totally ignore the emotional part of the relationship, which he seems to be doing.
Also, he should be grateful that you were participating in sexual activities which you were not comfortable with in the first place. For him to feel "cut off," while somewhat understandable, is not fair in the least. He may be sex-driven, but sex shouldn't be driving the relationship.
If you feel that you two no longer have anything in common, and that all he wants from you is sex, and he may possibly be cheating on you, if this was under normal circumstances, I'd say break up with him. However, he is not giving you an opportunity to talk to him, so he either is simply not happy with you, or because he is not "getting any," he views the relationship as over.
Either way, the relationship is, pretty much, over. Since he is not giving you a chance to talk to him, do not try to talk to him. Do not text, IM, or call him. If he tries to come to you, ignore his attempts at communication. Not for the sake of revenge, but because, simply, the relationship has withered and died, and you have no reason to talk to him, especially since he was disrespecting your decision so blatantly.

-J

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com

Eenie Meenie Miney Moe - Do You HAVE to Choose?

I'm in one of those typical teen problems - my "boyfriend" doesn't like my best friend, nor does she like him.

Actually, he's not really my boyfriend, yet. And my best friend is really the one who shares most of the dislike.

You see, they got into this fight that I've been in the middle of for a long time. Three people have already told me that I'd have to choose at some point, but I refuse to. Why does it have to come down to me if it's their problem? Although recently they dropped the fight but they still very much don't like each other.

My "boyfriend" wants to make things right with my best friend (he claims he's been polite to her all this time during the fight). He mostly wants to though because he says that if he asks me out when they aren't friends then my best friend will give me a lot of crap for it and then everything will end very badly. So, he wants to be friends again before asking me out. I've told my best friend this, but she says that she doesn't want to be his friend at all and if he asks me out, she would just be happy for the both of us. I told him this and he says to try and come through to her a bit longer, and that he'll also try, too. If nothing happens, then he'll just forget trying to make amends with her.

But...I WANT them to be friends again very much so, I don't care if when they do he asks me out, or if he does it before. I just want them to be friends like they used to be. But I have no idea how to. Help?
______

Let's be blunt. Your relationship with your "boyfriend" should not be contingent upon his friendship - or, rather, lack thereof - with someone else. I understand that she is your best friend, so just keep it that way. Stay friends with her, and explain to Boyfriend that your relationship with him needs to be seperate from BOTH of your relationships with your best friend.

I understand that you want peace between them, because they're two of the most important people in your life, but things are not going to work out perfectly like that. One of my best friends doesn't like MY significant other at all, but I'm not going to choose between them. I will remain loyal to both of them, and I will keep them both in my life.

Frankly, they both need to grow up and realize they are putting you in the middle of THEIR business, and that YOU should not need to be their go-between. If they have beef, let THEM work it out, seperate from your relationship with either of them. You need to be VERY vocal about this, VERY adamant, and maybe even withold yourself from both of them until they agree to do this. You do NOT need to choose, and don't let ANYONE tell you so, because that is the most unfair thing anyone could ever tell you to do. Let them work out their problems on their own, outright refuse to get involved, and be very ADAMANT about not getting involved.

If Boyfriend wants things to be hunky-dory with Best Friend again, then he will try to make it so. And if Best Friend is adamant against it, then Boyfriend needs to give up the ghost and let Best Friend come to him when SHE'S ready, instead of pestering her. This, really, is not your problem, and don't let them trick you into thinking it is.

-J

Got questions?

thesearetheyears@gmail.com

Fustercluck

So let's say "Someone" likes "Guy 1." But "Guy 1" has gotten back with his ex, and he's very happy. Then "Guy 2" comes along, and there is a very real possibility that he will ask "Someone" out. Is it wrong for "Someone" to say yes, even though she likes "Guy 2," because she still sort of likes "Guy 1?"

-----

We cannot spend our lives avoiding possibilities of real, healthy, amazing relationships because we lust after someone who is off-limits. The fact that some people are, in fact, off-limits, gives them more of an appeal. Your mom says no, you can't have a cookie. Because she says no, you want the cookie.

The whole it's-forbidden-so-you-want-it-more might play a factor here, or it might just simply be a case of liking someone. Whatever the case, you cannot let yourself pass up an opportunity with the second guy because you have feelings for the first. Not only is that not fair for "Guy 2," but that is not fair for yourself. Date "Guy 2." See how you really feel about him. And if you don't like him, then call it off. But don't automatically assume you won't like him because you still have feelings for "Guy 1." Sometimes something new is the best cure.

~J*~

Resolutions

"I resolve to lose sixty pounds this year."
"I resolve to make a budget this year."
"I resolve to exercise more this year."

This year this year this year.

Why not now?

I have personally never understood the point of New Year's Resolutions. Why wait 365 days to start anew? I get that a new year is a "new page," but if you're unhappy with something, you shouldn't wait to change it. You should start to work on it as soon as you're unhappy with it. For example, a lot of people resolve to lose weight. So, you're not happy with your body. Why do you want to wait to change it? Start working on losing that weight right away. Start exercising, start eating better. Don't wait weeks and weeks for the next year to roll around - start now!!

Making that promise, that "resolution" to yourself is just setting yourself up to fail. You shouldn't do it because it's a new year, but because you want to. You're putting pressure on yourself by making yourself swear to do - or not do - something.

~J*~

Without Advice on Christmas

I've been advice-less for the past month, and I'm sorry. I'm not neglecting you, I just have no topics to help with.

Feel free to send in some questions.

thesearetheyears@gmail.com

Merry Christmas and happy holidays to everyone.

~J*~

Guilt Trips - How to Be Guilt Free

My mom was guilted into going to church yesterday. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad she went - even though I had to go with her - because what the pastor talked about really helped her through the current situation she's in. But the thing that bothered me most was the fact that she was guilted into going - by her best friend, no less.

You see, my mom is tired of always saying no to her friend when she asks us if we want to go to church. This time, she kind of made my mom feel bad, unintentionally guilting my mom into going.

Even though it can be unintentional, the fact remains that guilt trips are flat-out wrong. You cannot change someone, so you cannot change the fact that they may attempt to put you on a guilt trip. But you can control your reaction.

"But how?"

It's easier said than done, I know, but, put simply, you can't let it get to you. You can't let them make you feel bad because you don't want to do something. That's just not fair. They can't make you do something you don't want to do, and making you feel bad about it is a sign of selfishness. They shouldn't be trying to force you into something you are either uncomfortable doing, or just simply don't want to do. It's also - on your part - about honesty. If this is a friend or family member of yours, even if it hurts their feelings, you have to be honest. Tell them you don't want to do whatever it is they want you to do. Be firm if they try to make you feel guilty. Really, it's not fair to either of you.

~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com

Be You.

Ditch The Label


Don't let the image of Chris Crocker mislead you. Surprisingly wiser than most seem to think.

The video says most of what I have to say. People are obsessed. They love this celebrity, they want to be that celebrity. I understand waiting for some new movie or CD to come out, but letting it run your life is not cool. Wanting to be someone that's not you is even worse. Stop trying to be Britney Spears. Stop trying to be Zac Efron. Neither of them are as amazing as the person you can be. I'm not saying you have to write music instead of listening to it, but don't obssess over it. Obsession is an unhealthy thing.
There are so many more important things in life. Family. Friends, Just... there's so much more to life than trying to be someone you're not, and obsessing over someone you want to be.

Which leads me into my next point.

Labels.

I am going to say this, and I know I am possibly going to get shit for it. There is no such thing as a "label." No one is "emo," no one is "punk," no one is "gangsta." Everyone is just them. The way they act does not define them as a person. Except, of course, for the girlies dressed all in pink and hyped up on Starbucks that so desperately want to be the next Miley Cyrus. Why can't people just enjoy themselves as people? Why do they have to try to be something you're not? Your life is just as interesting - if not more - than these celebrities that are making a billion dollars for each Disney-editted and propagated song they release to radio stations to overplay. Just be yourself. You're so much more of an actual person than them.
Ditch the label.
Be you.

~J*~

Got questions?
thesearetheyears@gmail.com